Food Funnies - some amusing little
snippets
Is Salvadore Deli a great spanish sandwich shop?
Dear Alcohol
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan
of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at christmas,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests
at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important I question
the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after
2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact
they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat
a donna kebab with chilli sauce, along with extra shish and some stale chips
(washed
down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few bags of crisps & last
nights chilli con carni)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far
this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need
to domore yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue homeby
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly,
it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the
lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable! My entire day is
shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the
invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to
continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address
them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy
hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular
exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy
vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we
all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral,and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not
animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have
a
burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only
be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans another vegetable!!
"
It's the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about
food and diets.
Knock Knock who's there? Lettuce... Lettuce who? Lettuce
in and we'll tell you!
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